


you are (my reality)

by Euphemia_13



Series: you are (yoo and im) me [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, I SHIP IT SO MUCH, M/M, Symbolism, changki, changki makes me cry too, changki rise, fate/destiny, free form, i am doing this instead of doing my assignments im crying, implied depression, lee minhyuk is mentioned, this is all just word vomit tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 08:39:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13783809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Euphemia_13/pseuds/Euphemia_13
Summary: changkyun has become content with the emptiness in his life. its only momentarily temporary, however.





	you are (my reality)

**Author's Note:**

> hello! my first changki fic, everyone!! truthfully it's the second fic i've ever posted online. i've never tried using present tense for a complete story before, but i felt that it would be the perfect tense to narrate this story in. unbeta-ed, so i guarantee you there will be a lot of mistakes (in the tenses most especially). but i hope you'll see it in the same way as i it. changki has been drowning me and it hurts not to write anything about them, so here i am.

Darkness is what composes Changkyun's dreams for a while now.

It's like a still image of the void, placed in between the time he falls asleep and the time he wakes up. The emptiness also leaves him hollow in the waking morning. He opens his eyes, and the first thing that greets him is the ceiling lamp above his head; its steel areas reflecting some of the light outside his windows, glinting and showing a blurry image of him lying down.

If it was possible, then Changkyun could have ignored all the things he needs to do today just to go back to sleep. He's done nothing noteworthy that he should be acceptably tired for, but he just wasn't feeling himself. It was easier to go back to that still image of the darkness ever present in his sleep, despite its unpleasantness. Its better than his university lectures, he thinks. And its another thing that the void is the only comfort he knows of for a long time now, and Changkyun is contented with its company. 

The alarm clock's ring tears through the silent atmosphere and he finds himself awake, out of his bed, ready to take a shower. Changkyun eats instant ramen before he changes into appropriate clothes. He includes his textbooks in the bag he's bringing, wear his shoes by the door, and greets the blinding sun with squinting eyes. 

The day is too long for Changkyun. He looks at the clock hanging above the exit door, and the time is dragging ever so slowly. He's doing things; he's in motion. He copies his notes on his lecture notebook, he eats his meals, he runs around for errands and his assignments. But it seems to him that his existence and the time right now is only a portion of an entire length. In every passing second, Changkyun is growing tired and restless. 

He thinks about what he'd rather want to do instead, but nothing comes up in his mind. The closest thing to what he really wants to do is to go back to sleep. The discomfort is there if he sleeps but he doesn't mind it that much; its enough to shed him away from reality. 

After how many excruciating hours, he finally returns home.

The sun had just settled in the horizon, and warm light seep into the room. His apartment really had the best view in all of the campus. The afternoon sun makes interesting shadows through the large windows into the walls, and he leaves the lights unopened until the evening. Changkyun cooks himself a small, easy-to-make meal before he goes the living area of his apartment to do his assignments. 

Infront of him, the television is turned on and the light it emits flashes back at him. It's entire purpose was only to serve as a background noise, so the silence of the entire apartment wouldn't be so obvious. Changkyun hums to himself a small melloe song, and the tune tugs at his heart a little. It weights his heart downwards, like gravity has made itself known to the vessel inside of him. Despite it, he still continues to do the things he needs to finish by the end of the day. He cleans up afterwards, and retreats back to his room. 

The void, over time, becomes Changkyun's friend. The time he spends with it allows him to at least be contented and tolerant. He's rather neutral about the idea, a little emotionless. Its something that he doesn’t particularly like; yet he does not dislike it either. Like he has learned to coexist with its presence. It doesn't make him happy, yet it doesn't make him sad or anything.

His entire week continues on like this, like it has always been. Weeks turn into months. Countless months. It’s a cycle. A seemingly infinite length of time that makes Changkyun restless and tired, even when he has been doing nothing. It's almost starting to suffocate him to death at the corners of his chest, and creeping into his throat. He doubts if he could breathe in such a restricted position.

But an inordinary night saves him from the feeling of drowning. 

Changkyun finds the darkness long gone in his sleep, and it's almost as if it was never there. What greets him is a landscape. It's almost the first time he's dreamt about something with color in such a long time that it's actually hard for him to believe it. But he really is having an imaged dream. 

He's standing in a middle of a clearing. The sun isn't visible and the sky is cloudy that it looks like it's going to rain hard anytime soon. The colors that wash over the entire picture are melancholic and cold; a dominance of the shades of blue and accents of gray. Changkyun doesn't see the scene too clearly–there's fog that's covering most details. Yet he knows that a few meters infront of him is a ledge of a cliff, and that the sea is somewhere beneath it. The sound of huge waves enter his ears as produced by the consistent slapping of water against the rocks. The cool breeze coming from the sea accompanies the rythmic sound, cupping his cheeks and leaving a gentle trace on his face. 

The smell of the sea is mixed in the air. Moments later, the breeze gradually becomes harsher, tangling his hair. _A storm_ , that's what it probably is. He can smell the upcoming storm in the wind as he can see it with his own eyes. 

Changkyun is confused for a moment. All of a sudden, he doesn't know where he is. Its too cold too, he can feel himself shivering because of the cold air. Like as if he really was experiencing the dream. He half-conciously remembers that his pajamas have a very thin material, and it makes sense if he would believe that it is what's causing him the discomfort. He wasn't able to bring his thick blanket with him in his dream.

Changkyun is half-concious, half-asleep and dreaming. It's like his brain is awake, but the rest of his body are sleeping with the exception of his eyes serving as the screen.

He's even more confused when a bush suddenly appears in front of him. It wasn't there when he entered the dream.

Changkyun, in a concious state, was naturally a curious person. He could feel the nerves inside of him tingling, wanting to lean in further and inspect the unknown object in front of him. He doesn't even know if he was correct, _if it was a bush; and if its the flowering kind or not_. But his guesses are deduced when the bush slowly-- almost unnoticeably changes.

He's correct. It's a bush. It's of small height, only reaching to his knees. It has a lot of leaves, dark green in color in the shade of a cloudy sky. The bush shifts in form, making way for something. Seconds later, a flower bud appears.

_It's a flowering bush_. The outside skin of the flower shows a light pink color. Changkyun is mesmerized with the small bud, and finds himself magically drawn to it. He never leaves its side, he doesn't sit either. He knows he could move around in his dream, like he isn't just stuck in one area but _he can't move_. He doesn't complain, however. There's a feeling of lightness growing in his chest and for an indefinite amount of time, Changkyun stares at the bush. 

But its only until the familiar sound of his alarm clock slices through the image of his dream, and Changkyun almost immediately opens his eyes. He is awake. The first thing he sees is the ceiling lamp above his head, glinting in its usual way. The light from outside seeps into the room as the sun starts to climb up higher in the horizon, and Changkyun removes himself from bed. He goes out again to complete another day of his monotonous cycles. 

Except that it isn't so monotonous anymore.

He doesn't notice the change. He doesn't notice how he cooked himself breakfast this morning. For the past few months, he's only eaten porridge or cereals and he wasn't even late. He doesn't notice, when he placed his earphones on and flipped through a playlist in the internet, that it has been awhile since he last listened to music. But he wanted a good mellow song–a happy mellow one that he wanted to listen to. When he leaves the bus, he's already known the name of the band, their starting year, and countless other music in their discography. 

At the university, he finds himself diligently listening to his lectures. _Listening_ , not only being physically present and copying notes but actually listening. By the end of the day, the things that he only notices are the new friends he's made from college departments that are different from him (his friend, Lee Minhyuk, brought him to lunch and it was like a whole group eating together). He notices the time he returns home after making a short impromtu trip to the library to research on his current topics, and again that's something he hasn't done in a while. All of the differences today are _small_ things, but Changkyun had been moving around like a programmed robot for a while now that even his most favorite past times had been forgotten. 

By day, he gets his responsibilities done. He goes to school, he studies, he comes home. By night, his dreams returns him back to the clearing. 

Sometimes, he dreams of the clearing and the flower bush. Sometimes, the darkness and the void that he hasn't experienced returns and there are nights where he experiences that discomfort–the anxiety, the loss, the cold that's eating him up. The color and the darkness takes turn in playing with him, and Changkyun likes the colored one with the rose better, because it makes him safe. Cold, yet safe. 

When he _does_ return to his colored dream, the clearing remains as how he had left it. The low bush remains in the middle, the pink bud amongst its leaves. When he can come, he spends most of his time watching over it. The entire scene isn't as interesting to him as the flower. He looks at it with eagerness, anticipation, and gentleness. 

In real time, this waiting takes almost two months. Caught between the darkness and color, yet the colored one changes his life more significantly. He smiles as soon as he wakes up, and spends a good four hours of researching simply on curiousity. He always liked research, papers and search engines alike. The beauty of rose almost overpowers the darkness that he doesn't feel as less secure as before. The rose remains a flower bud, and it does for quite a long time. Changkyun, over that time, falls into comfort. He likes it, he decides. He likes the flower, how kind it is to his eyes. It's funny too, but he could almost feel an emotional bond between them. There are times where he's had a rough day, and the flower reflects his tiredness. There are times he's very happy, and the bud just glows. 

Two months pass by. He dreams about the flower bud for two months. Little by little, the darkness fades away. He's starting to forget the nightmares. 

The wait isn't as draggy and uncomfortable. Changkyun's patience is rewarded when he visits the clearing once again and witnesses the flowers bud bloom into a rose. A beautiful one. Changkyun isn't that knowledgeable about flowers-- all he knows is the basics of basics. He finds the common rose very similar to the flower in front of him, although it has more ruffles in it than usual. The flower is lighter pink at its tips, slowly becoming darker at it nears the middle. 

Changkyun smiles upon seeing it. He finds it very endearing and beautiful. He didn't find any need to know what it was, he didnt care. If it was a real flower or not, he could not care either. It has earned a place in his heart. He could almost live like this until his lifespan allowed him to. It was enough beauty that Changkyun ever needed in his life.

Just as Changkyun thought the darkness has been completely omitted from his life, it reappears again. For a week, it's more unpleasant than ever. It pushes him back again to a state of emptiness, a state of hollowness and meaningless situation. It criples him, hurts him in his chest and Changkyun wakes up with ragged breathing, tears, and tightness around his throught like he's suffocating. It's almost enough to give him a reason to take away his very essence.

But Changkyun is strong. He believes in himself, and he tries to fight it. Sometimes, the darkness disappears and he's back to the clearing; but its only for a short while. The rose is still intact, and it remains always where he had left it. And sometimes, the dreams become a combination. Like forces fighting for dominance, on who survives. 

The colored dream eventually wins. And Changkyun find himself back into the place he thought he truly belonged. However, the next time he returns to the clearing, the rose and the bush are _gone_.

Changkyun, upon noticing that the most vital piece of the image he has treasured so much was missing, he falls into a slight panic. He immediately runs around, instinctively searching in every nook and cranny that had been uninteresting to him before. He keeps on searching, running around. Changkyun has roamed the entire cliff thrice when he finally acknowledges a fact. The clearing was _empty_.

Changkyun's breath is hitched. He crouches, trying to catch his breath. He still doesn't stop, not giving up in search for the rose. _His_ rose. The cool wind makes its self known to him, not anymore gentle but dangerous. It tastes of the bitter sea below, the chaotic one. The storm that has kept is distance is building up in the horizon, finally forming as if this is the very moment that it releases its anger. It smells near now, but Changkyun doesn't notice anymore the sounds of the waves somewhere below the cliff. All his senses were only focused on looking for the flower and the bush which had cared for.

When he finally stops to catch his breath, air is somewhere trapped in his throat and his head is slightly spinning. He breaths heavily, panting. In frustration, tears fall from his eyes

Changkyun feels something in his shoulder all of a sudden, at the very moment his tears flow. At the contact, he almost _too suddenly_ jerks away. He turns back, and what he sees is a person. A person slightly taller than him, his hair round and equally cut. The wind ruffles his golden hair.

His brown eyes stares back at Changkyun, confusion apparent on his face. He's almost confused as Changkyun, and the latter is bewildered, shocked, and unable to move or react. He doesn't know where the person came from. The entirety of his face is a blur, and Changkyun couldn't see what he looks like. He can only focus on specific parts, like his eyes–charismatic and strong, yet soft and curious. Its familliar, like Changkyun has seen them before. But that's impossible, since he would have remembered the person who had these majestic eyes that captivated him. But Changkyun doesn't even remeber his name.

The stranger starts to smile at Changkyun. If Changkyun were to be honest, that's the last thing he could think of doing at a situation like this. The corners of his lips of the former raise up, and the latter finds himself staring at him. He still doesn't know what to do. The other person offers his hand, and Changkyun thinks his hands look beautiful. His fingertips are beautiful. 

Not knowing how to respond, Changkyun could only stare at the outstretched hand, and into the smiling face again.

Slowly, the gravitational attraction makes itself known to Changkyun. Its the attraction that exists between planets and between two objects of different mass-- _he remembers his physics classes even in his dreams, how funny_.

It makes Changkyun raise his own hand, and place it into the palm of the other person. He stares at their connected hands and he thinks that its warm, comforting. It feels so secure and safe. This feeling, this...everything–it's familiar to Changkyun. But he doesn't know where or when. His gaze only returns back to the other person, and the familliar stranger smile once again. Changkyun, little by little, copies the other person's smile. He doesn't mean too, but it's impossible to do so when his smile can almost light up the entire city of Seoul for a day. They stay like that for a while. Hands held together, and eyes only for each other.

It only lasts until a sound tears through the dream, and Changkyun opens his eyes. 

The first thing Changkyun _sees_ is the ceiling light, reflecting the light seeping from the outside through the windows. The first thing he _does_ is cry. 

Similar to the frustration of not being able to find the rose, tears fall into his cheeks. He could still feel the warmth of the hand of the other person in his own, and he could still feel his heart pounding as when they were staring at each other. He's lost the rose, Changkyun cried. Changkyun cries even more when he was separated from the person he had just met. What's worse is thaf he has that feeling he'll never see that person again. Because all of those were just a _dream_.

Changkyun tries to sit up, shaking sleep off of himself. He wipes his tears with his other _free_ hand.

He has no time for this, he thinks, and he can feel his chest saying otherwise. But Changkyun is a stubborn man and he has no time to cry for a dream that's gone. He thinks it's like crying over a spilled milk--and yes. That's exactly how pointless it is.

Changkyun makes up his mind. He's about to get out of bed and start his day when he hears the familiar sound that tore himself out of the dream. 

A rustle. 

A rustling of sheets.

The bed sheets that cover half of his leg is being pulled from the sides.

In that moment, Changkyun realizes three things. 

First, he woke up a little off from the middle point of the ceiling. He woke up on the right side of the bed. That was not usual-- he lived by himself and he occupied the central area of the bed always. 

Second, there's a moving person beside of him. 

Third, _his right hand is his only free hand._

Changkyun turns to his left, and he sees the mop of disheveled golden hair pressed into the white cover of his pillow. His eyes trail into the closed eyelids of the sleeping person, and to the familiar lips that was smiling a little. The person appears to Changkyun as if he was having a good sleep.

Memories of yesterday washes over him in an instant.

_Yoo Kihyun. Third-year culinary student. Asked him out for the first time, after two weeks of becoming acquainted. He belongs to Minhyuk's circle and we had a date yesterday. The Lantern Festival, the rain. My house was the closest, and he stayed over because the rain was strong and there was no safe transportation in the middle of the night. We shared my bed and slept side by side._

It only had been two months since they had known each other. Changkyun met him through a that college party Minhyuk had thrown and forced Changkyun to attend. And while their courses were worlds apart (engineering and culinary, what could be the common things between them?), he found himself drawn to the slight gestures the older one makes when he talks, his laugh that was somehow a little low despite his pitch being high, the way he speaks, his unconventional interests which interests Changkyun very much as well. And his beauty, for the love of god. The lightness in Kihyun's heart reflected on the outside–a heart he hsd gotten to know for two months. Kihyun was gentle, and soft. Charismatic, and strong. Full of curiousity, a little bit bossy and nagging. He was beautiful. Changkyun was almost too certain that this was how he fell in love. 

Changkyun stares at the sleeping Kihyun, trying to acknowledge his memories from the day before. It's funny, he feels like his body and mind has been wired again. There's relief in his chest, and he smiles out of unexplainable happiness. His occupied hand is entangled in Kihyun's own, and Kihyun always had warm hands which were pleasant to Changkyun's cold ones. Kihyun stirs again in his sleep, and Changkyun moves his free hand to tuck the sheets better. But a pair of now-open eyes look back at him. 

"Hi," Kihyun says, now awake. There's shyness and embarrassment in his tone. The sound resonates through the room, and he remembers again how beautiful his voice is. His smile is too familiar, and Changkyun is reminded of the smile of that person in his dream. The one that had golden hair too. His smile is as bright as the rose that glowed with happiness when Changkyun was happy too. 

_You're the beauty that I only need in my life._

Changkyun smiles more and he feels his heart beating fast again. The rose, the stranger. His dream made sense. To him, somehow. Funny, he didn't believe in fate or destinies before. But everything right now could convince him to think otherwise. 

In that very moment, he though he could wake up to a lifetime of mornings like this. To a person whose presence did more than enough to banish the darkness that had Changkyun in shackles for a long time. Someone who he thinks is the right person for him. Yoo Kihyun. 

"Good morning, Kihyunnie."

**Author's Note:**

> explanation (bc i think i didnt write it as clearly): changkyun has implied depression, wherein he sleeps a lot and is lethargic. also, vivid dreams are caused by wanting something in real life but not being able to get it–in this case, changkyun's been subconciously wanting someone in his life. and it's almost fate/destiny and symbolism that the rose in his dream is kihyun, but he had been dreaming about the rose for already three months while he had been meeting kihyun for only two months. hehe, i hope it helps a little~ 
> 
> thank you for reading! if you have any thoughts, or criticisms-- pls do leave a comment! i love them both haha. have a good day ahead, and always ship CHANGKI hohoho
> 
> p.s: oh, and the rose in the bush is a peony. its starting to be my favorite flower, and i didn't even plan this story or its connection but just fit well afshdjaakk and peonies do kind of resemble kihyun. Shy kihyun, kihyun who wants a good marriage and yeah, basically domestic kihyun that im obsesed about haha.


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